Random Thoughts

I got in a big confrontation this week.   That in and of itself is a bit of news – I typically do all that I can to avoid them.   And I knew this one was coming, had been putting it off for quite some time actually.   But the time and the place suddenly appeared and BAM – there it was. And I, as always in those angry, tense, hostile situations, was very uncomfortable. But I did something different for me:   I didn’t cry.   I didn’t yell.   I didn’t get too upset.   Mostly I just LISTENED .   I know this is how a person is supposed to approach those types of situations, but knowing it and doing it are two different things. Anyway, I listened.   Listened as I was berated.   As I was blamed.   As I was attacked.   Yes, sometimes I spoke up.   I tried not to get defensive. Tried not to argue.   Tried to clearly explain my point of view.   The whole experience didn’t end well really.   Maybe at some point in the future things will get repaired a bit, I don’t know.  

We all have our “thinking spaces”.   For some it is in nature.   For my sweetheart it is in the shower.   For me, it’s taking walks.   And I just got back from a long one, which means I have had some thinking time. Today I thought about death.   It’s not a new topic to me, in fact my brain sometimes jumps to it even when I wish it wouldn’t, and I have to squeeze my eyes shut and wish the thoughts away.   But today I allowed them to stay, tried to “welcome” them, as much as one can welcome thoughts of death. And I began thinking about things I might MISS after I die.   My rational brain quickly jumped in to correct my day dreaming – “You can’t MISS anything after you are dead,” it correctly asserted.   Alright then, if I won’t actually MISS them in the sense that I currently understand missing , what things might I be sad or disappointed I could no longer experience (yes, I know that sadness and disappointment won’t be emotions available to me beyond the grave either, but